


The Akatsuki go to Denny's

by uselessincarnate



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol, Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, This is written properly it's just the premise that's silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26650618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uselessincarnate/pseuds/uselessincarnate
Summary: The Akatsuki haven't been getting along recently... so it's time for them to go on a team bonding trip to Denny's
Relationships: Tobi/Zetsu (Naruto)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	1. Orochimaru Says, "No More!"

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm watching Naruto but I haven't actually got to the part with the Akatsuki yet. My friend gave me a doc with the character's names, faces, and some vague (non-canon) descriptions of them and I had to write a fic where they go to Denny's and show their dynamic.  
> Apparently Orochimaru isn't that important of a character? I thought he was in charge but I found out he actually isn't lol. i'm only on like the second arc of Shippuden so i assumed Orochimaru was the leader of the Akatsuki.  
> This is gonna be ooc but bc i literally don't know what they're like. Thank for reading pls enjoy <3

Orochimaru has been frustrated for a long time. In part, it’s because he wants to be immortal and that probably won’t pan out as well as he hopes it will. He also looks like Jeffree Starr fucked a snake, which is a devastating blow to his ego every time he looks in a mirror. But a big part of his frustration has come from the way his inferiors have been behaving.

They hate each other. A lot. 

Which is weird, because they’re all basically the same. Orochimaru feels that some of the distinctions they draw between one-another are just because of their narcissism. He literally finds most of them indistinguishable. When he has a migraine, he differentiates them using their hair color. He’s called Itachi “Kisame” more than once. You can imagine how they reacted to that.

Back to the manner at hand. Orochimaru struggles to cope with the Akatski’s inability to work as a group. On the one hand, he’s an evil villain who likes doing evil and fucked up things like eugenics. On the other hand, even he gets a little misty-eyed at the found-family trope. He’d hoped that they would at least like to spend time with each other. The Akatski is a family, or at least a gang. He’d hoped their interactions would be a little bit less begrudging after all this time.

He finally hit a tipping point when Sasori and Deidara interrupted one of their meetings about kidnapping another Jinchuriki to argue about what constitutes as true art. What began as a throwaway comment by Deidara grew into a screaming match within minutes. When Sasori pulled out a puppet and tried to murder Deidara, Orochimaru finally stepped in.

“Stop.” Orochimaru said, angrily, intensely. More than that, he was fuming. The little snake things were coming out of his arms and wiggling with rage. Zetsu had never even seen them do that.

The two stopped. The others looked at the walls as inconspicuously as they could. Tobi opened his mouth to say something but Konan put up a finger to remind him that now is not the time.

Orochimaru took a deep breath so he didn’t kill his entire found family before they could actually make the trope work. He took another breath. And another. And another.

Everyone watched as Orochimaru just breathed slowly in front of them. Tobi shook slightly, assuming that Orochimaru was doing some weird mind games before he killed them all. Pain took a sip out of the can of Monster in his hand.

Finally, Orochimaru spoke, “I’ve decided that this group has some issues that can no longer be ignored.” 

Hidan looked at Deidara and Sasori the way you look at your sibling when they get you in trouble with your mom and you just want to throttle them. He didn’t move, though. Obviously.

“I think it’s time you all did a team bonding activity together. Or rather, it’s time for a series of team bonding activities,” Orochimaru told them, “This meeting is over, we will discuss the issue further in the next one. Tonight, I want the ten of you to go out to dinner, together.” Sasori and Deidara opened their mouths to argue but Orochimaru fixed them with an angry look. They closed their mouths.

The ten of them proceeded to stare at Orochimaru for the better part of a few minutes, waiting for him to say more. 

When he said nothing, Konan spoke up, “Are we doing this now? Where should we go?”

Orochimaru slurped his snakes back into his body and turned away from them, walking out of the room. He waved one arm in the air, “Go now. I don’t care where. And if any of you come back with injuries, I’m killing all of you.”

What Itachi did next was very impressive. Itachi is known for his brooding energy, which he seldom drops. He reached into a little bag under his Akatski jacket, pulling out a little piece of paper. He held up the paper so the others could see it. In his classic emo voice, he said, “I have a coupon for Denny’s. Let’s go there.”


	2. It's a Long and Arduous Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Akatsuki make the trip

The group quickly hit a wall. There were ten of them who needed to get to Denny’s, but only Kisame and Sasori had a car. After a long and arduous discussion, in which Tobi cried twice, they decided that Kisame would drive Itachi, Deidara, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kakazu. Sasori would drive Pain, Konan, and Hidan. 

(Kakazu has been desperately trying to get Hidan alone. A few of the Akatski think it’s because he’s pursuing Hidan romantically, but they’re wrong. Kakazu thinks Hidan is gullible because of his religious beliefs and wants to scam him. Hidan knows this and that’s why he stays away.)

Sasori holds fast to the fact that his car will fit four people only. He cares about his car almost as much as his puppets. The outside is painted a glowing silver that’s indistinguishable from the average silver SUV. That said, it costs sixteen times more than the regular option and Sasori needs everybody to know that.

At some point during the trip Pain opened up his third Monster of the day. Sasori muttered a quiet “Watch it,” through gritted teeth.

Pain shrugged and looked out the window, holding the can loosely in one hand. 

Sasori couldn’t go a full minute without looking over to watch Pain until the car jolted suddenly. Sasori let out a pained howl and slammed the car to a halt, looking in the rearview mirror to scream incoherently at the pothole behind them. 

Konan put her face in her hands and desperately rubbed at her temples. Hidan fought the urge to slam his head against the glass. This was mostly due to his fear of how Sasori would retaliate to him doing any perceived damage to the precious BMW. Pain sipped his Monster.

Once Sasori had blown off steam he turned the car back on and kept going. He didn’t look at Pain anymore.

Kisame’s lack of caution while driving would have put him well ahead of Sasori’s group, but the pothole incident left them even further behind. By the time both had arrived and parked, Kisame’s group was causing trouble outside the Denny’s.

Tobi was sobbing at some unknown comment by Itachi, water gushing out of the hole in his mask at absurdly high pressure. Deidara had his mouth hands under the outpouring to see how quickly they could suck it up.

Kakazu slid up to Hidan, putting an arm around his shoulder. “Wanna sit with me?”

Hidan fiddled with his headband and tried to step away from Kakazu, “I was actually going to sit with Pain, but thank you.”

Kakazu’s smile didn’t waver, “I’ll sit on the other side.”

Zetsu was watching their interactions intently.

Konan and Pain walked past the rest of the Akatski into the restaurant. The others followed suit, except for Tobi and Sasori. Tobi had his hands under his mask wiping the last of the moisture away from his cheeks. Sasori was squatting obsessively by his car poking at the front left tire. 

The young woman at the front desk sighed at the sight of a large group coming in. She tapped at the screen in front of her and called out, “How many in the group?”  
“Ten. And sorry in advance about these morons,” Konan told her.

The woman led the group over to a big, round table with ten chairs. Hidan tried to wiggle in between Pain and Konan, but Konan moved to the other side. Kakazu’s smile grew as he threw himself down into the seat next to Hidan.

Zetsu, Tobi, and Sasori sat down next to Kakazu. Deidara, Itachi, and Kisame sat down next to Konan.

The host walked off right as their waitress appeared. Before she could even offer up drinks Hidan and Konan both raised their hands, asking for a beer and a glass of wine, respectively.

“This is a Denny’s.” The waitress leveled them both with a look.

“Is that a no?”

“The alcohol is only for the employees.”

Pain looked up, disinterested as always, “It’s in your best interest to get them what they asked for.”

The waitress pursed her lips but nodded, “Anything else?”

Everybody asked for water except for Itachi who asked for a glass of 2% chocolate milk and Tobi who asked for two glasses of ice.

“Ice water?” Asked the waitress.

“No, just ice.”

“Just ice? Plain ice in a cup?”

Tobi nodded. He held up two fingers.

The waitress nodded back as she scribbled something onto her little notepad and bounced off to get as far away from those freaks as possible.  
There was a second of awkward silence between the group. Well, Pain, Konan and Tobi didn’t notice it feeling awkward, but the rest of them definitely felt it. Then, Kakazu scooted his chair so he was basically on top of Hidan. He put his arm around Hidan’s shoulder and brought their noses just inches apart. Hidan eyes went wide and he gave a pleading look at the others. They stared at the scene for a second before turning away to give them privacy (except for Zetsu who continued looking, calculatingly).  
Hidan let out a desperate, betrayed whine at everybody ignoring Kakazu.

Kisame turned to Itachi. “So, did you ever listen to that album I recommended to you?”

Before Itachi could respond, Deidara’s eyes lit up. He put a hand on Itachi’s right shoulder and leaned slightly into his lap to get closer to Kisame. Itachi turned away from Kisame and activated his Mangekyo, but Deidara was very carefully not looking at Itachi. “What album?”

“The White Album, by the Beatles. It’s a classic.” 

Deidara’s eyes lost some of their shine. “Oh. I don’t really like classic rock.” His voice sounded pained.

“Have you ever heard this one before? It’s really good, uhh, cool… too.” Kisame sounded like he was gargling rocks.

“Oh. Maybe I can listen to it.. I guess.” Deidara was on the verge of tears.

Kisame nodded. They gave each other a tense smile. Itachi he couldn’t help but wonder why they sounded like they were having this conversation while being held hostage. Orochimaru’s threat if they didn’t get along suddenly rang in his head. He blinked and deactivated his Mangekyo.

Itachi tapped Deidara on the side twice. Deidara turned to look at Itachi, but he hadn’t moved away yet so their faces were uncomfortably close together. 

Itachi had his usual bitchy expression on, “Deidara, I’m sorry for trying to torture you with my Mangekyo just now. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Deidara fell back into his chair, a surprised smile on his face, “Thank you, Itachi. I actually appreciate that.” His eyes flicked from Itachi’s eyes to his shoulder and back. “And I’m sorry that my mouth hands just got a little drool on your coat. It was an accident, please forgive me.” He reached out to shake his hand. “Truce?”  
Itachi looked at Deidara’s hand mouth, which was wide open. He quickly closed his right hand’s mouth, and Itachi gently put his hand into Deidara’s. They shook once, tersely, and then turned back to face the table.

While this was happening, Zetsu had turned away from Hidan and Kakazu’s interactions to stare at the strange dynamic on the other side of the table. Usually a disagreement about music between anybody and Deidara would lead to a destructive battle with at least a dozen dead or injured. One word from Orochimaru and Itachi was just letting everybody walk all over him. 

It was really spineless of him.

Before Zetsu could keep stirring up drama in his mind through psychoanalysis the waitress came back. She gave Hidan his beer, Konan got her glass of wine, Itachi got his chocolate milk, Tobi got his two glasses of ice, and everyone else got their waters. Zetsu pushed his glass of water over to Tobi, who accepted it graciously before grabbing one of his ice cups and shoving handfuls of ice under his mask into his mouth. 

Konan sucked down her glass of wine in one gulp and flagged the waitress before she could move on to the next table. “Just bring me a whole bottle.”  
The waitress shook with rage as she gave Konan her best attempt at a customer-service smile and went off to get a bottle of wine.  
Everyone (except Zetsu, who was back to staring at them) continued to carefully ignore Kakazu’s non-consensual clutching of Hidan. Hidan reached forward to take a sip of the beer. Kakazu said something quietly in Hidan’s ear that nobody else could hear, and Hidan passed the glass over for him to try. Hidan looked deeply unhappy at the circumstances in which he found himself.

Tobi leaned into Zetsu personal space and started waving his hand in front of him. “Zetsu can I tell you about the game I was playing earlier?”  
Zetsu looked away from the pair he was trying to eavesdrop on and nodded at Tobi, who launched into a very loud monologue about some first-person shooter he had been playing that morning before the meeting with Orochimaru. It was so loud, in fact, that everybody around the table started listening to him. As did a few of the people at nearby tables. 

The waitress dropped off the wine bottle for Konan, but nobody paid her any mind. Everybody in the Denny’s was enraptured by Tobi’s description of tearing apart his enemies with a pair of hunting knives. Even the cooks in the other room were distracted by his voice. Tobi didn’t realize how disruptive he was being, he was just happy to be talking to Zetsu.

The waitress finally hit her breaking point and grabbed Tobi’s shoulder. “Are you ready to order yet?”

Tobi’s story cut off mid-sentence, and without a pause he said, “Can I get a stack of six buttermilk pancakes and an order of moons over my hammy? And Zetsu will have a slamburger but don’t cook the burger itself, and three orders of sweet petite corn on the side.” Zetsu smiled and nodded at Tobi for getting his order correct.

The waitress paled slightly, “You…. You want the burger raw?”

Zetsu spoke up, “Yes, please. But still cook the egg, I don’t want Salmonella.”

“But raw meat can make you sick, too.” She said.

“That’s fine. It won’t. The meat raw, please. With the corn on the side.” Zetsu said.

The waitress’ hand shook as she wrote down their orders. “Ok, anybody else?”

“I’ll have a prime rib cobb salad.” Pain said.

“Just give me a Cali club sandwich.” Konan said, beginning to pour her wine into the empty glass.

Kisame held up his menu, “I’ll have two sirloin steaks.”

Itachi squinted at the menu in Kisame’s hand, but it was too far away for him to read (about 50 centimeters away). He pointed at a plate with a white and yellow blob on it. “I’ll have those eggs I guess.”

“That’s the supreme skillet, sir. Is that what you want?”

“Yeah, sure. I don’t care.” He said, waving a hand.

Kakazu leaned over to whisper in Hidan’s ear, “When did they have time to pick their food? I didn’t see anybody looking.”

Hidan rubbed his ear with one hand and pushed Kakazu away from him with the other. “I have no idea. Can you please move away? I’ve been asking you to for like 20 minutes now.”

“No.”

Sasori asked for an avocado chicken Caesar salad (“How upscale! Grilled chicken breast and avocado? Delicious!”) and Deidara asked for three double cheeseburgers with fries (“My hands need food too!”). The waitress wrote their orders down, only rolling her eyes a little bit, and turned to Hidan and Kakazu.

“What can I get for you two gentlemen?”

Kakazu gave his best charming smile, which was made slightly less charming by the fact that Hidan has been trying in vain to push him away since they sat down. He gave a cursory glance to the menu and told her, “We will share a plate of the ‘Zesty Nachos’ and the crazy spicy skillet-”

“I don’t want that though.” Interrupted Hidan.

Kakazu moved the hand that was wrapped around Hidan’s shoulder down to his waist and pulled Hidan flush against him, “Yes you do. It’ll be great, just you wait. Another beer, too. Thank you.”

The waitress nodded at their orders and went back to the kitchen. She didn’t even double check that she had the information down correctly.

Tobi leaned over to Zetsu, “Can I keep telling you about the game?”

Zetsu nodded, “Quietly, though.”


End file.
